clarification

i was checking my blog this morning. thinking of writing something. but then i started reading my last entry. and frankly, quite shocked to see a comment.hehehe i haven't told anyone that i have this blog. well, i am just crazy to think that no one will stumble upon this. and to think it's kind of out there.

anyway, i felt really bad about the part i wrote about me not wanting to be associated with the Dean. i didn't mean to make it sound negative. i wrote that blog entry when i was having a bad day. and naturally my feelings were overwhelming. no intention of anything negative.

so i will explain myself.

the Nemenzo family really hailed from Pinamungahan, Cebu. My grandmother came from Isabela, Negros Occidental. they both met in Cebu. my grandmother was a college student. and he was a law student. they would describe his courtship as "dumadaan sa butas ng karayum". she was living in a dormitory operated by nuns. so go figure. but lucky for him, he got the woman. my dad, thier eldest of 7 boys, was born in Cebu. but later they moved to Isabela. they grew up there. my dad went back to Cebu for college. but most of his siblings studied in Bacolod after my grandfather retired from the judiciary. needless to say, i too grew up here. i haven't met or been close to any of the relatives of my grandfather. except the family of his younger brother who moved and lived in Cadiz. other than them, relatives from the Nemenzo side are mere acquaintances.

i was a freshman in UST when he was named the new president of UP. i read the interview he did for the Inquirer. it gave me chills. i was beaming with so much pride that i am a relative of his. i have not met him yet then. i have only heard great stories about him. but apart of me feels the familiarity. he kinda resembles my grandfather. he has the same nickname the same as his.

i only know him by name through the stories of my dad. i know that he is an extraordinarily intelligent man. a prominent figure in the society. that his family has quite a reputation in UP. which kinda led me to make a mental note never to enrol in that school. why? i am intimidated of course. i would probably drown with pressure. people assuming you are as brilliant as them. something which i humbly admit that i am not. i am just a kid, trying to find my place in this world. the last thing i need is having to exert too much effort trying to be someone i'm not.

as my dad has always said, 'once you're happy with what you do, you're good'. no pressure. no attachments. no promises. it's all about what i want.

so there. i don't want to be associated with him because i'm scared to be a disappointment to him, to others and to myself. i don't want the spotlight. all i want is a simple but productive career/life. =)

a meltdown

i am having a bad day today. i don't know. i woke up not ready for the day. but i had to get out of bed to prepare for my review class. there was a nagging bad feeling. i can't explain it.

after drying my hair and waiting for my breakfast, i surfed the tv. dammit! no good show to watch. all the more i got restless. but i settled for news. even what was shown on anc wasn't nice! darn! so i instead watched news asia on cnn. which was really depressing because of the oil price jacking up and people have been protesting it all over asia!

anyway, as much as i was tempted to skip my review class today and read on my own, i can't. i was scheduled for my coaching anytime today. so i have to be in school.

as usual, i wasn't able to leave on time. i left at exactly 8. my class starts at 8! hahaha but if it's any consolation for me, my watch is 15 mins advance than their time. so i arrived 45 mins past 8, my time. yep, i travel that long. that's without traffic still. good thing my review schedule does not fall on a rush hour. so hooray for me!

when i arrived in school, the lecturer was still setting up his powerpoint presentation. so i haven't missed anything. waited some more. so i read the handout they gave us. it was actually the written version of the lecture yesterday.

when the lecture finally started, (the technical problem not solved) i didn't like the lecturer. it's 9am and he is just so boring! there wasn't any effort from him to keep us from falling asleep. so took out my celfone, waiting for the text that it's my turn for the coaching. i was hoping i'd be called in the morning then i'd skip the afternoon class. i really didn't like him. i was staring at him, trying to listen but then i just couldn't absorb it. at all. so i figured this is just a waste of time.

then the text came. around 11 am. so i was happy. i got my wish. i texted my helper that i'd be eating my lunch at home after all. gave instructions for additional viand to cook. when i arrived at the 'coaching room', i had to wait. someone was being coached before me pa. i was hoping for this coach. during the testimonial of the bar passers, her name was repeated several times. so i guess she gives effective advice.

so here we go. in fairness, neatness is very good. my form is not too good. i don't follow the cue words. well, at least not consistently. sometimes i do, but most often, i don't.hehehe and also, i don't spot "the issue". i can spot the issue, yes. but not the main one. so memo to me. analyze the problem well. i usually just read the question once. and whatever comes to mind, that's it. i'll revolve my argument around it. it's wrong! argh! and my answers didn't have logic! my 2nd and 3rd paragraphs don't connect. it doesn't make sense. so i guess i have a lot of improvements to do. my handwriting is too narrow. it's difficult to read daw. she suggested that i use a thicker ink. i will try that. oh, but i do have 1 number that's perfectly answered! she said it's short and sweet. and it's perfect. hehehe she even put a star on it.

after the coaching, it got me all down... something is missing. i can't figure out what. i have been diligently studying. but when she looked over my paper, it seemed to tell me that i'm not ready. despite and inspite my effort. i probably lack heart into this. i know i will be a good lawyer. i was prepared, built and ready to be this. but i can't seem to conquer the final step to becoming it. i can feel it. there's is a space. an empty, hollow blank somewhere in me... i have to figure it out fast and hopefully fill it in. time is running out. it's barely 3 months til the first sunday.. i can't afford another failure. i have to pass this this time. i have to.