a change of mind

just when i thought i've made up my mind... i had to rethink my decision. the thinker and practical side of me is overpowering my decision. time vs opportunity. this time i think i'll take the opportunity. it's not everyday that a job is offered to your doorsteps right? which means, i'll give opportunity the chance this time. after all, i can always resign if i don't like the work. which means i will still have time to fulfilling my new dream. however, if i do like the work, well, good for me. hahaha

a decision

Minutes after the release of the bar result, we were on the way to church. I was slowly digesting the fact I didn’t pass. Strangely, I was calm, almost at peace. I wasn’t hysterical or in rage in my thoughts or even with my emotions. I was staring out of the window, no one was talking. Only the faint sound of the stereo was making the noise. Out of the blue, I blurted out, “Dad, I’m going back to the States after the exams.” And without hesitation, my dad said, “ok.” Just like that, my mind was conditioned where I will be while waiting.

The other day, I had my second interview with Banco De Oro. The position is legal assistant. I actually passed my resume last year and they responded just now. Out of courtesy and to break my routine, I went when they invited me for an exam. The following day, they wanted me back for an initial interview. I was honest in telling them that I am reviewing for the bar and that I will be available in October still. When the HR interviewing me let out a loud “oh” (slightly prolonged) I thought there goes my chance. But really, I went to this interview not because I want the job. I just want to try it and see where it will go. Besides, there’s nothing to lose. So anyway, I ended up doing 2 interviews that day. The first was with the lawyer whom I will be assisting, along with 2 others. Then with the Department Head of the Legal Division. She was telling me the probable next steps. Medical exams and package offer. I was alarmed. In my mind, I was thinking ‘am I hired?’ But I dare not ask. I don’t want to be estopped. I really wasn’t sure if I want this job. The pay is low. The job is like a secretary. There is no spark. I wasn’t excited or even happy about it. I was just pleased I made it this far.

Really the bigger issue is that I am confused. What if the day comes they will call me for the package offer? Will I accept it? How about my going to the States plan? Is the work worth giving it up?

I recall when I told Dette about me going to the States after the bar. I would end it by saying ‘if there’s something here in the Philippines worth staying, I will stay. After all, it’s a long time between now and September.’ I guess this is what I was talking about. Maybe for some, they will read this as a sign that they should stay. I think of it differently. I think this is my assurance that there will always be something waiting for me here.

I mean, really. I have a visa and I didn’t pass the bar exams. It is too much of a coincidence! I may not have this free time again. I mean after the exams. I have 6 months of waiting for the results. If I stay and accept the job, I will be stuck here. But if I go, who knows what’s in store for me out there? Besides, it is only for 6 months. Surely I will come back and start my career in law here. I just want to see what it’s like living there. I want to satisfy my curiosity. When I was there, I was a tourist. We were busy everyday. Trying to visit as much landmarks as we can in a day. Always on a time check. This time, I want to try walking around Times Square not being in a hurry. Stroll around Central Park and sit down on one of the benches watching passers by. Spend hours inside St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Christmas and New Year in a different place. The snow. Nothing grand but the memories I will have will make me smile my entire life.

I have always chased after my dreams. Though I have to admit, living in the States was not one of them. I have always said I will only go there for a vacation. And now that I have, I loved it there and I want more of it. So now it has become one of my dreams, it seems. I have to take this opportunity. This may never come again. I don’t want to live thinking ‘what if’.

I guess I am not confused after all. Seems like I have made up my mind, haven’t I? Hahaha

realization

I was recalling my last conversation with my dad when I was in Bacolod. It was the night before my flight. We were at the mall. As my mom, sister and I were going from one shop to another, my dad sat down on one of the benches placed in the hallway. I decided to sit down beside him. We started talking. And then we reached the bar topic. I cannot recall how it started but I remembered him saying at one point that until that day, he could not believe I didn’t pass. He continued on to saying maybe I was lacking one element.

I was surprised to hear him say that. I took it positively though. Strangely, I was not defensive and retorted something. I was quiet. But it was all a blur now how things came about after that remark. My dad is not a vocal person. We are similar in that way. If we can hold our thoughts down, we would. And the fact that he shared his sentiments to me means he meant it. And perhaps he was bothered by it. It has been 3 months and my dad still couldn’t believe I didn’t pass! This is a big deal! And to think I have accepted and moved on already. But he is still in the state of shock, I dare say. What hurts is that I can’t do anything about it. I can’t even offer an explanation as to why. All I have to say is, “It is not yet for me.”

It got me thinking. What would my life have been if I passed? Would it be as I used to imagine it? Glamorous? Lucrative? The works? Would I even like it? You know, I haven’t really thought of those things after the results. When Bill Clinton did an interview with Oprah, she asked him, “Don’t you ever miss being in the White House?” and he replied saying, “a day spent on thinking of doing something you can’t anymore is a day wasted.” I was like, “Amen, Bill! Amen!” So maybe that’s why I didn’t think about the “what if” part. It would be just like adding insult to injury I guess. There is nothing I could do about it now. It is finished. And it is not like dreaming of it would make it a reality, wouldn’t it? So there. I didn’t think about it then, and I am not about to start now. I am all about the future. The positive things slowly unfolding because of my delay.

Going back to what my dad said about the missing element, maybe I lost my focus. My thoughts were way ahead of me. I didn’t live it day by day. I was so in a hurry to get it over and done with. Because in my mind, at the finish line, a big signboard with flashing lights which read “ATTY.” was waiting. I was so eager. Maybe I was held back. My focus was on getting the “Atty.” not getting into the profession.

I am realizing now that everything has to go through a process. There are no short cuts for long term plans. I know that now. Some of my friends, who passed, haven’t really jump started their careers yet. Maybe I had to learn from them and see that there is no fast-forward button in life, whether you have a title or not. That in facing the real world, you have to have real expectations. That everyone has to start somewhere.

brandon is sick

Around lunch time, mom texted me telling me that Brandon has a fever. he was doing fine when i left. i asked mom 'why?' then went on saying maybe because i left? and she said she thinks so too.

amazing! isn't that supposed to happen only between mother and child? hahaha but then again, i treat Brandon as my own. Except that i don't like doing the dirty job of motherhood. dealing with poop and vomit. im disgusted easily so i can't stand it.

when Brandon was born i was a freshman law student. he would be my breather. we are left in the house most of the days. i actually had no choice but to play with him. i didn't want him to be too associated with his yaya. i play with him, i make him cry by teasing him sooo hard, i discipline him and sometimes spoil him too. i guess, more than anything he sees me as his playmate and his rival.

our relationship has balance. i could be goofy around him but at the same time he respects my authority over him.

i love that kid. and me coming home, spent time with him and then to leave again, it probably made him sick. because he misses me as much as i miss him. well, im sure he'll be fine soon.

a trip back home

5 days. I got to come home. It was a brief but very recharging time for me. I have been reviewing for 2 ½ months before i came home. Although my sister and folks have been coming to Manila every now and then, it just doesn’t feel the same. So when there was a window to my schedule, i knew i had to fly home.

Saturday. I took the afternoon flight because i had a civil law mock bar in the morning. Lucky for me, i didn’t feel i had to rush the exams because i had to catch my flight. There was ample time. On the way to the airport, i had run down my ‘to do’ and ‘not to do’ things. I can feel my heart smiling. Even though the cab was very hot, i wasn’t pissed. I just want to arrive in the airport as fast as possibly can. I didn’t like the pilot. He had a lousy take off and touch down. Coming down from the airplane, i saw my sister (doing her job). Then my mom (shouting from the fence!). Waiting for my baggage, i was getting impatient. It took like forever for my luggage to come out. Then finally i was steping out of the airport. As i look around for them, i heard my little devil calling out to me. Then he rushed and gave me a hug. I miss that little guy (he’s not so little anymore though). He started telling me stories. And it has not stopped since. He won’t even allow me to talk to dad or mom. He would tell me to keep quiet and listen to him. Such a bossy kid. We had dinner at Chicken House. It was just us, sister, bro-in-law and Brandon. Mom and dad had to attend a dinner for a cause. The little guy eats rice now! Hooray! He’s favourite is the bbq at chicken house. Went home. Felt good. I missed home. I didn’t even get the chance to go up my room and change because Brandon dragged me to my parents’ room to show off his dvds. He wanted me to choose. So we watched Alvin and the Chipmunks. As usual, he would sing and recite the lines. He has a good memory. But when the dvd cronked, we went up. He wanted to sleep in my room. But his mom didn’t allow him. Sadly and with pouting lips, he said, “Mommy won’t let me sleep in your room.” Cute! So i had to carry him to their room. And he gave me many kisses and lingering hug. I really do miss the kiddo.

Sunday. We lounged around the house. Dad was at Victorias for a Shooting Competition. The moment he woke up, he directly went to my room. I could hear him calling me. I was downstairs having coffee. So from then on he never let me out of his sight. We stayed at our hammock. Apparently, it is his favourite place now. then House of the Dead. we were inseparable. Hehehe in the afternoon, we went to hear mass. Then dine at Red Moon. A newly opened Chinese Restaurant. Turned out, dad knows the owner. Anyway, food was good and reasonable. 2 very important factors for restaurants in Bacolod. Then we went home. Mao changed Brandon into his PJs. He was supposed to let him sleep first but he woke up after awhile. So we had to talk to him telling him that his dad and mom are taking me somewhere. Surprisingly he said yes. So the 3 of us went to Cafe Bob’s for coffee. Had a fun chat and laugh. Family thingy updates. Plans for the future. We had a great time.

Monday. Errand day in the morning. In the afternoon, we went to Lopues’ (one of the oldest chains of supermarkets). Mom did the groceries and bought some stuff for her folks whom we will visit thereafter. When we were done with it, it started to rain. I had to rush and get the car. Halfway my run, my sandals’ strap came off!!! Argh! Imagine that! I was hopping with one foot. But it was difficult because of the slope road. So i had to walk bear foot. Seriously! (I had not used that sandals for several months now. it has become brittle.) Good thing there were no people around. Otherwise, i would have melted with humiliation! It was raining hard. But mom decided we head to her folks place still. I was driving bare foot on one foot! hahaha then my mom had to borrow my lola’s slippers so i can come inside. we were there very briefly. On the way home, i was driving with bare feet! Hahaha I have never done this before. Even while i was practicing how to drive. I had my tennis shoes on. funny. I guess there is always a first time. After changing, we headed out to Robinson’s (the first decent mall we had). It was almost 5pm and of course, my mom was getting hungry. (she always is. It’s like her tummy has a clock telling her its time to eat. J) we ate at shakey’s. Dad came to meet us there. We left Brandon at his haven, at a computer shop. Then we went malling. Around 8pm, my folks were going to SM to change something they bought from Ace Hardware. My sister and i went there too. Went malling separately with our folks. I was able to buy shoes! Well, i sort of had to. Because the sandals i changed into was also getting brittle. And my sis said i shouldn’t be wearing it anymore!hahaha this what happens if you wear too much slippers.

Tuesday. I had a short list of errands because i am meeting my girl friends (Tricia and Dette) for lunch. I was late. Mom tagged along again. Destroying my schedule. Hehe we ate at Trattoria Uma. Pizza and Pasta. Just the combination i missed. I realized, i have been eating so much home-cooked meals that i miss dining out. As usual, it was filled with chickas and laughter. Good thing there was few people there. We were kindda boisterously laughing! Then we transferred at Cafe Uma for coffee. We just never ran out of things to talk about! Imagine that. 2 months we haven’t seen each other. But we do have constant communication. (thanks to suncel) but some things are meant to be told in person. It has a different effect. we went to Trish’s house because she gave us santol atsara. She made the recipe herself. It was delicious! Mom couldn’t stop eating. Dad liked it too! By the time dinner is done, so was the atsara! Thanks again Trish! ;-)

Wednesday. I dropped off Brandon to school. Then i went back to my mom’s folks’ place. But i did a side trip to my cousin’s house first. Chikka for almost an hour then to my lola’s house. She wanted me to withdraw her pension for her. I arrived just in time because she was getting ready to buy their viand for lunch. (she’s 84. But she travels alone and has a good memory. Only thing though, she’s deaf. And she doesn’t like using her hearing aid.) so she went with me. Then i accompanied her in buying the stuff she needs. By 11, i was in a hurry because i have to pick up Brandon in school. i arrived early. He wasn’t dismissed yet. Goodie. Then our duo went to drop off the broken electric fan at the shop. Then went to Gaisano because he wanted to eat Takoyaki. But there was none, so he opted for pizza instead. We also bought Frozen Milo for him and Nescafe Ice for me. Then we head home. After lunch, he wanted to sleep in my room. We made a pinky promise that he will sleep after watching one show. Of course, he didn’t! Well, not until his mom arrived. As for me, my last stretch of errand, went to La Salle to pay my Bar filing fees. Saw Pyok and some other batchmates at the law office. Tricia met up with me there too. Chikka galore again. Then when i was about to leave, it rained very hard. i was parked outside (since i don’t have a sticker anymore) so i couldn’t leave just yet. I decided to go to the law lib. I was pretty sure i’ll see more batchmates there. Paolo T. was there. One of our dudes. Chikka too. Then Carmela arrived. More chikka! Gino came and joined us too for awhile. We caught up for an hour or so. It was fun. To see old friends and talk about people we know. Hehehe Just when the rained stopped, i went to Rob to meet up with my family. We were having dinner there. We ate at HongKong Kitchen. Another Chinese Restaurant i love. It was a sumptuous meal. Then head home. Packed my things.

Thursday. Flight back to Manila. 9:55am via Cebu Pacific.

I think i already found what was missing. I faced my demon and conquered it. I think now, i am ready to battle the last 3 months (including the bar month). It’s a clean slate. No more wondering. Nothing to hold me back...

clarification

i was checking my blog this morning. thinking of writing something. but then i started reading my last entry. and frankly, quite shocked to see a comment.hehehe i haven't told anyone that i have this blog. well, i am just crazy to think that no one will stumble upon this. and to think it's kind of out there.

anyway, i felt really bad about the part i wrote about me not wanting to be associated with the Dean. i didn't mean to make it sound negative. i wrote that blog entry when i was having a bad day. and naturally my feelings were overwhelming. no intention of anything negative.

so i will explain myself.

the Nemenzo family really hailed from Pinamungahan, Cebu. My grandmother came from Isabela, Negros Occidental. they both met in Cebu. my grandmother was a college student. and he was a law student. they would describe his courtship as "dumadaan sa butas ng karayum". she was living in a dormitory operated by nuns. so go figure. but lucky for him, he got the woman. my dad, thier eldest of 7 boys, was born in Cebu. but later they moved to Isabela. they grew up there. my dad went back to Cebu for college. but most of his siblings studied in Bacolod after my grandfather retired from the judiciary. needless to say, i too grew up here. i haven't met or been close to any of the relatives of my grandfather. except the family of his younger brother who moved and lived in Cadiz. other than them, relatives from the Nemenzo side are mere acquaintances.

i was a freshman in UST when he was named the new president of UP. i read the interview he did for the Inquirer. it gave me chills. i was beaming with so much pride that i am a relative of his. i have not met him yet then. i have only heard great stories about him. but apart of me feels the familiarity. he kinda resembles my grandfather. he has the same nickname the same as his.

i only know him by name through the stories of my dad. i know that he is an extraordinarily intelligent man. a prominent figure in the society. that his family has quite a reputation in UP. which kinda led me to make a mental note never to enrol in that school. why? i am intimidated of course. i would probably drown with pressure. people assuming you are as brilliant as them. something which i humbly admit that i am not. i am just a kid, trying to find my place in this world. the last thing i need is having to exert too much effort trying to be someone i'm not.

as my dad has always said, 'once you're happy with what you do, you're good'. no pressure. no attachments. no promises. it's all about what i want.

so there. i don't want to be associated with him because i'm scared to be a disappointment to him, to others and to myself. i don't want the spotlight. all i want is a simple but productive career/life. =)

a meltdown

i am having a bad day today. i don't know. i woke up not ready for the day. but i had to get out of bed to prepare for my review class. there was a nagging bad feeling. i can't explain it.

after drying my hair and waiting for my breakfast, i surfed the tv. dammit! no good show to watch. all the more i got restless. but i settled for news. even what was shown on anc wasn't nice! darn! so i instead watched news asia on cnn. which was really depressing because of the oil price jacking up and people have been protesting it all over asia!

anyway, as much as i was tempted to skip my review class today and read on my own, i can't. i was scheduled for my coaching anytime today. so i have to be in school.

as usual, i wasn't able to leave on time. i left at exactly 8. my class starts at 8! hahaha but if it's any consolation for me, my watch is 15 mins advance than their time. so i arrived 45 mins past 8, my time. yep, i travel that long. that's without traffic still. good thing my review schedule does not fall on a rush hour. so hooray for me!

when i arrived in school, the lecturer was still setting up his powerpoint presentation. so i haven't missed anything. waited some more. so i read the handout they gave us. it was actually the written version of the lecture yesterday.

when the lecture finally started, (the technical problem not solved) i didn't like the lecturer. it's 9am and he is just so boring! there wasn't any effort from him to keep us from falling asleep. so took out my celfone, waiting for the text that it's my turn for the coaching. i was hoping i'd be called in the morning then i'd skip the afternoon class. i really didn't like him. i was staring at him, trying to listen but then i just couldn't absorb it. at all. so i figured this is just a waste of time.

then the text came. around 11 am. so i was happy. i got my wish. i texted my helper that i'd be eating my lunch at home after all. gave instructions for additional viand to cook. when i arrived at the 'coaching room', i had to wait. someone was being coached before me pa. i was hoping for this coach. during the testimonial of the bar passers, her name was repeated several times. so i guess she gives effective advice.

so here we go. in fairness, neatness is very good. my form is not too good. i don't follow the cue words. well, at least not consistently. sometimes i do, but most often, i don't.hehehe and also, i don't spot "the issue". i can spot the issue, yes. but not the main one. so memo to me. analyze the problem well. i usually just read the question once. and whatever comes to mind, that's it. i'll revolve my argument around it. it's wrong! argh! and my answers didn't have logic! my 2nd and 3rd paragraphs don't connect. it doesn't make sense. so i guess i have a lot of improvements to do. my handwriting is too narrow. it's difficult to read daw. she suggested that i use a thicker ink. i will try that. oh, but i do have 1 number that's perfectly answered! she said it's short and sweet. and it's perfect. hehehe she even put a star on it.

after the coaching, it got me all down... something is missing. i can't figure out what. i have been diligently studying. but when she looked over my paper, it seemed to tell me that i'm not ready. despite and inspite my effort. i probably lack heart into this. i know i will be a good lawyer. i was prepared, built and ready to be this. but i can't seem to conquer the final step to becoming it. i can feel it. there's is a space. an empty, hollow blank somewhere in me... i have to figure it out fast and hopefully fill it in. time is running out. it's barely 3 months til the first sunday.. i can't afford another failure. i have to pass this this time. i have to.