realization

I was recalling my last conversation with my dad when I was in Bacolod. It was the night before my flight. We were at the mall. As my mom, sister and I were going from one shop to another, my dad sat down on one of the benches placed in the hallway. I decided to sit down beside him. We started talking. And then we reached the bar topic. I cannot recall how it started but I remembered him saying at one point that until that day, he could not believe I didn’t pass. He continued on to saying maybe I was lacking one element.

I was surprised to hear him say that. I took it positively though. Strangely, I was not defensive and retorted something. I was quiet. But it was all a blur now how things came about after that remark. My dad is not a vocal person. We are similar in that way. If we can hold our thoughts down, we would. And the fact that he shared his sentiments to me means he meant it. And perhaps he was bothered by it. It has been 3 months and my dad still couldn’t believe I didn’t pass! This is a big deal! And to think I have accepted and moved on already. But he is still in the state of shock, I dare say. What hurts is that I can’t do anything about it. I can’t even offer an explanation as to why. All I have to say is, “It is not yet for me.”

It got me thinking. What would my life have been if I passed? Would it be as I used to imagine it? Glamorous? Lucrative? The works? Would I even like it? You know, I haven’t really thought of those things after the results. When Bill Clinton did an interview with Oprah, she asked him, “Don’t you ever miss being in the White House?” and he replied saying, “a day spent on thinking of doing something you can’t anymore is a day wasted.” I was like, “Amen, Bill! Amen!” So maybe that’s why I didn’t think about the “what if” part. It would be just like adding insult to injury I guess. There is nothing I could do about it now. It is finished. And it is not like dreaming of it would make it a reality, wouldn’t it? So there. I didn’t think about it then, and I am not about to start now. I am all about the future. The positive things slowly unfolding because of my delay.

Going back to what my dad said about the missing element, maybe I lost my focus. My thoughts were way ahead of me. I didn’t live it day by day. I was so in a hurry to get it over and done with. Because in my mind, at the finish line, a big signboard with flashing lights which read “ATTY.” was waiting. I was so eager. Maybe I was held back. My focus was on getting the “Atty.” not getting into the profession.

I am realizing now that everything has to go through a process. There are no short cuts for long term plans. I know that now. Some of my friends, who passed, haven’t really jump started their careers yet. Maybe I had to learn from them and see that there is no fast-forward button in life, whether you have a title or not. That in facing the real world, you have to have real expectations. That everyone has to start somewhere.