a decision

Minutes after the release of the bar result, we were on the way to church. I was slowly digesting the fact I didn’t pass. Strangely, I was calm, almost at peace. I wasn’t hysterical or in rage in my thoughts or even with my emotions. I was staring out of the window, no one was talking. Only the faint sound of the stereo was making the noise. Out of the blue, I blurted out, “Dad, I’m going back to the States after the exams.” And without hesitation, my dad said, “ok.” Just like that, my mind was conditioned where I will be while waiting.

The other day, I had my second interview with Banco De Oro. The position is legal assistant. I actually passed my resume last year and they responded just now. Out of courtesy and to break my routine, I went when they invited me for an exam. The following day, they wanted me back for an initial interview. I was honest in telling them that I am reviewing for the bar and that I will be available in October still. When the HR interviewing me let out a loud “oh” (slightly prolonged) I thought there goes my chance. But really, I went to this interview not because I want the job. I just want to try it and see where it will go. Besides, there’s nothing to lose. So anyway, I ended up doing 2 interviews that day. The first was with the lawyer whom I will be assisting, along with 2 others. Then with the Department Head of the Legal Division. She was telling me the probable next steps. Medical exams and package offer. I was alarmed. In my mind, I was thinking ‘am I hired?’ But I dare not ask. I don’t want to be estopped. I really wasn’t sure if I want this job. The pay is low. The job is like a secretary. There is no spark. I wasn’t excited or even happy about it. I was just pleased I made it this far.

Really the bigger issue is that I am confused. What if the day comes they will call me for the package offer? Will I accept it? How about my going to the States plan? Is the work worth giving it up?

I recall when I told Dette about me going to the States after the bar. I would end it by saying ‘if there’s something here in the Philippines worth staying, I will stay. After all, it’s a long time between now and September.’ I guess this is what I was talking about. Maybe for some, they will read this as a sign that they should stay. I think of it differently. I think this is my assurance that there will always be something waiting for me here.

I mean, really. I have a visa and I didn’t pass the bar exams. It is too much of a coincidence! I may not have this free time again. I mean after the exams. I have 6 months of waiting for the results. If I stay and accept the job, I will be stuck here. But if I go, who knows what’s in store for me out there? Besides, it is only for 6 months. Surely I will come back and start my career in law here. I just want to see what it’s like living there. I want to satisfy my curiosity. When I was there, I was a tourist. We were busy everyday. Trying to visit as much landmarks as we can in a day. Always on a time check. This time, I want to try walking around Times Square not being in a hurry. Stroll around Central Park and sit down on one of the benches watching passers by. Spend hours inside St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Christmas and New Year in a different place. The snow. Nothing grand but the memories I will have will make me smile my entire life.

I have always chased after my dreams. Though I have to admit, living in the States was not one of them. I have always said I will only go there for a vacation. And now that I have, I loved it there and I want more of it. So now it has become one of my dreams, it seems. I have to take this opportunity. This may never come again. I don’t want to live thinking ‘what if’.

I guess I am not confused after all. Seems like I have made up my mind, haven’t I? Hahaha