Dignified Silence

I have never been the warrior type. Someone who would right then and there attack another person. I'd like to believe I am very rational and composed that fighting back, either physically or verbally, is a waste of time. I'd rather turn my back at you then block you off completely without saying a word. Dignified silence, that's my style.

I guess it comes with my upbringing. I am the youngest and was taught to always sunmit to authority -- elder people. So I grew up not knowing how to fight back because it is instilled in me that it is not nice. That I shouldn't engage myself in anyway in that kind of situation because it is so improper. I have never in my entire life talked back to my parents, EVER! Talk back meaning shout at them or simply show them disrespect. I am not the type and will never do that. It's too scandalous even just to imagine me doing it. It is just not right. Sure on the FEW occasions that I am being disciplined, I would reason out but always in a very humble voice and demeanor. Of course I know I won't win, but what's important is that I was able to make my point. My goal really is just to knock off some senses that I am not entirely at fault. Whatever the outcome might be, is not a big deal anymore.

So what do I do when I'm angry? I turn to music. I have always believed that music is better than talking to a shrink or to anyone in the height of emotion. It calms you down or it may voice out your frustrations. Take your pick. Me, few years back, I would lock myself in my room and play hardcore trance. I'll turn up the volume (but not too loud because I might be reprimanded again!). Just enough to silence everything else around me. The following day, I'm apathetic. I'm very proud too that I'd die if I make the first move to make amends. Maybe unless it's my fault so that's an exception. But if I think I did nothing wrong, don't expect I'll act up fine like nothing happened.

Over the years though, I realized, getting angry gets you nowhere. It doesn't solve anything. Certainly it doesn't make the you feel better. So I have developed a new way of dealing with unnecessary stress. Walking away and completely blocking off whoever, whatever. Of course, walking away is my constant logical reaction. It won't add fuel to the fire. On the contrary, the angry feelings would just die naturally. But blocking off people, hmmmm.. maybe just for awhile. However, it is inevitable that our paths will cross again one day, someday. So we'll cross the bridge when we get there. But for now, I'll silently exist and keep off under your radar.

Dahil May Isang Ikaw

The last time I watched a Filipino soap religiously was in college, "Pangako Sa'yo". I remember I would flock with my dormmates in our TV room to watch it. The love story of Angelo and Inah. Loved the actors and the characters they portrayed. Not crazy about the story though. Typical Filipino story, but it was good enough to make me watch it til its ending.

The succeeding soaps I watch, I can't really remember well. Maybe because I was only accidentally watching it. Because my mom would watch it when she was accompanying me while I was having a late dinner, from school then. I would guess the next scenarios and sometimes even the lines. Then my mom would be pissed coz according to her, I was destroying the suspense. haha I love doing that all the time.

Just last Monday, a new soap was launched by ABS-CBN, Dahil May Isang Ikaw. They will be portraying lawyer characters. Something I am looking forward to watching. A first in Philippine teleserye. I'd like to see how they will 'dramatize' the court scenes. There's no doubt it is a 'glamourized' version. Most likely, far from the real thing. Nonetheless, as long as there is a judge, lawyers, witnesses and clients, surely I will be watching intently.

This is quite a timely soap, at least as far as I am concerned. I am currently being introduced with the law world. I am slowly diving into the real life of a lawyer. I have been on court hearing field trips last week. Trying to pick up a thing or two. I have to say, I am getting more interested and excited eachtime. Makes me wonder why I was shying away from this before. As Gig put it, he likes the adrenaline rush everytime he is in court. I'd like to have a piece of that too.

Superficial

Everything is not always what they seem. People say one thing yet mean another. Most of the time, people are only nice to you when they need something. Sad but it's a hard fact. Superficiality. People wear masks to get what they want.

Others just can't wait to tarnish whatever good you have done. They try to destroy you even if you haven't done anything to them but good. It has only been awhile that they were nice-y nice to you but just right after you turn your back, crappy things are coming out from them about you. Things you don't deserve to get. Because if anything, you did them a favor. They were gracious receiver but never grateful. They sucked all the life in you until there's nothing more to give. Only to realize that they spit it out without hesitation, worse, with disgust.

There's only so much one can say about someone. But say it to people who don't know who you're bashing. You're just unmasking yourself. Showing them that yes, you are a fake! Or maybe you meant to say it to them because you wanted the other person to know. I dont' know. And quite frankly, I don't care!

Right of Change

There are 3 things that are constant in this world: death, taxes and change. As for death, it is a constant period. It is a popular example in law school as a day certain, “that which must necessarily come, although it may not be known when.” It sounds creepy but death is a perfect example. As for taxes, it is a constant condition. For as long as you are earning, you must report and pay taxes. And as for change, it is constant right. For as long as you haven’t entered into an agreement which merits some penalty for effecting change, you can very well exercise that right. Although it has not stop others from doing so anyway.

Last weekend, I found myself curled up on a chair not wanting to put down the book I was reading. It is a light-read by Sophie Kinsela, The Undomestic Goddess. It’s been a long time since I last spent a day reading for pleasure. The story is about a lawyer who is about to make partner in a top law firm. This has always been her plan. After 7 years of working for it, she will finally reap her hard work. However, she found herself in an uncompromising situation that will jeopardize her being a partner. Feeling lost, she went away to destination nowhere. Her sudden escape led her to the countryside of London. And what’s more surprising, she got herself a new job by mistake, as a housekeeper! Definitely far from her plans. But she played along with it thinking this is a perfect plot to distract her from facing her dark past. Everything is completely alien to her. She had to learn everything from scratch. Just as when she was actually enjoying and getting the hang of things, she found herself webbed back to her past. As a lawyer, it is innate to be curious and wanting for answer. In her case, she wanted vindication. When she got that, she was offered by the firm her old position. Of course, the rational decision was to take it. But before she takes that first step back into the law firm, she realized she didn’t want it anymore. She has changed her mind.

Probably most often, we find ourselves in the same situation as the character in the book. Just because we want something since time immemorial, it doesn’t mean we can’t want something else, right? In fact, being in the same situation for so long can result to a boring routine. But as with the character, she didn’t realize it until she got the chance to experience something completely different from what she’s used to.

Change comes in different forms, happens in different occasions and reaps different results. Most of the time, it is self-imposed. A decision made in consideration of something better or sometimes in a leap of faith. Other times, it is forced on to us. We have no choice but embrace the change.

I think change is good. It may seem scary at first tho. It’s like throwing yourself into the unknown. But that’s the exciting part of it. To be able to learn something new, discover yourself better and widen your reach. As long as you are determined to make that 360 degrees turn, I’ll exercise my right to change in a heartbeat.

Father's Day

Two days ago was father’s day. It tears up my heart not being able to spend it with the most important man in my life. Aside from his birthday, this is the only day that centers the attention to him. And it’s just not any other day to remind him how much we appreciate and love him, but this day honors his fatherhood. Something that a lot of fathers probably take for granted. But not my dad, no sire!

My dad is a disciplinarian. Sure we had our share of spanking and other punishments growing up. For the most part, he will just stare at you and you’ll know you’re doing something wrong and you better behave fast. Hahaha Yes, we were disciplined like that. Subtle but piercing.

My dad has always been the man in authority. He is the eldest of seven brothers. He played God when my grandfather wasn’t around. He was (and still is) used to giving orders and normally expects being obeyed. Just like my grandfather. He grew up in a home where respect is more than just a word. It is a household principle that they should live by. That’s why kissing (or beso) is greatly practiced in our family. Imagine my dad’s brothers kissing their elder brothers. The youngest would be the most kawawa of all. The number of people you have to rub cheeks with! It was only probably when the olds die that the younger brothers stopped the beso. But addressing the elder brothers as ‘Manong’ is still very much in practice still. So there’s no surprise he brought that kind of attitude in raising me and my sister. Good thing my mom was there to somehow ease the punishments for us. We didn’t really have a lot of mistakes back in the day, mind you. I guess he believes that prevention is better than cure. We know what dad wouldn’t like so we refrain from doing them. Makes perfect sense.

I am proud to say that I am one of the few lucky ones sharing a beautiful relationship with their dads. To sum it all up, I am a self-professed daddy’s girl. It is both a blessing and a curse though. I will be forever a kid to my dad’s eyes. And every man who attempts to come close, he will surely criticize.

I guess my dad was feeling lacking too that day. Later that night, he called me up for a little chat. I asked him how he spent the Father’s Day. But somehow I feel all he wanted to say was, “I wish you were here.” So do I dad. At least, I get to be the first (greeted him the Saturday night) and the last to wish him Happy Father’s Day, with much love.

Price Tag

There are times where you are handed a gift, beautifully wrapped, by a person whom you expect nothing less from. You take that gift grinning really wide. You run down on your head what could it be. However, when you opened the gift, you find yourself surprised of what you have uncovered. A cheap-looking say, wall clock. Definitely something you’d never think of receiving. Well, at least not from that person. But there it is, right in front of you. Tick tock. And he’s there too. Waiting for your reaction. So you fake a smile. Of course you don’t want to be impolite. You express your gratitude in the best way you possibly can, given the circumstances. He’s pleased, thinking that you are too. You gracefully exited yourself went inside a safe room then breakdown in disgust. How could he possibly think you’d appreciate a gift like that?! Certainly you are worth more than that. He knows that, hell, he should know. But he chose instead to make you feel less than how much you are really worth.

Knowing your worth is one thing. People recognizing your worth is another. There’s no straight-line equation on how you can measure up your capabilities. It is very relative. You may be thinking you’ve accomplished enough to make you rise to a higher level but someone else thinks you’re still too raw and that you are still a few notches behind.

It takes a leap of faith to invest on someone. No one has to prove anything to anyone. Well, at least not outright. A chance must be first given. Let’s say you are given that opportunity. No matter how hard you try, you always fall short of his expectation. Or at least that’s what he makes you feel. Although you know that’s not completely true. You convince yourself that he’s doing that to push you harder – for you to maximize your potential. That it is for your own good. You allow it to happen for so long, hoping that one day he’d recognize your true worth and give you something to commensurate it. Except that you don’t see anything like that happening sometime soon. So you find yourself asking, “now what?” Surely if there’s another opportunity better than what you have now, you’ll jump right to it without hesitations.

Human nature dictates you to be in constant quest for contentment. It is said that you will only find that if everything finally falls into place. At least according to your own definition. In this karmic world we live in, it will never be a one-sided battle. Every element must be weaved together. As each person is worth something, there is always someone, hopefully, who is willing to pay for your price tag.

Sometimes all we need is reassurance. Something that would tell us that we are doing a good job. And what better way to show it is by making that someone feel her worth.

Reverse

I have long been a fan of Greys Anatomy. For starters, I watch it because it’s a doctor’s drama. They play the role I know I will never become. So I’ll content myself by watching it on TV. But as I watch episode after episode, I can’t help but fall in love with the show. The sucker that I am for series, I just have to add this up to my list. So as the weeks progressed, the plot thickens, although it’s pretty predictable they will fool around among themselves. It’s television, what can you expect, right? And one thing more I love with the show is the narration at the beginning and end of the show. I just realized, another show I watch, One Tree Hill, also has the same narration format. The things they narrate sometimes sound like it came from a forwarded text message. But at times, it makes me ponder too, in fairness. Of course, there is McDreamy whose smile is just annoyingly pleasant to watch. And not to mention McSteamy joining the riot of Seattle’s Grace Hospital. These two gentlemen sizzles the hospital, no doubt. And these Mc codes they so often use in the show prompted me and Tricia to cook up our own. Well, we have Happy Meal and McT. Their identity I will not reveal. They are both practically non-existent to us now, so never mind that I even mentioned them. Last but not the least, there is Meredith Grey. The fickle-minded, anti-commitment woman that she is, I’m sure a lot of career women (ehem ehem) can totally identify with.

Anyhoo, I was watching last night’s episode, it was such a disturbing development of their story. The doctor becoming the patient. Probably depending on how you see it, the effect is different. For me, it is such a scary situation. Knowing exactly how they will cut and go inside your body is just too gruesome for me. To start with, anything that involves knives, bodies and blood make me nauseous. So no surprise there. I wonder how it would make me feel... Years down the road of law practice and suddenly the lawyer becomes the client? Gosh. It is too much to digest, even just thinking of it. The showman is now just a spectator. It is such an awkward, awful situation to be in. But looking at it on the other perspective, you will be able to make an intelligent decision on the next steps to take. It is the only upside that I could think of. Just on top of my head now. Weirdly though, I can’t rationalize deeper than my shallow analysis or should I say observation. Hahaha Or bluntly put, make this blog entry longer. I just want to get that thought out there. So there.