Heart's lesson

Every decision is a choice. Except who we fall in love with...

Sometimes we allow ourselves to be in a situation we know isn't right. We take our chances that , maybe, in the end, everything will turn out just fine. We hang on to that thin thread of hope that the odds are on our side. We keep on convincing ourselves that all the sacrifices will eventually pay out. We continue to embrace that "happy" feeling, That positive vibe that someday, all will fall into place.

However, Time will come that everything we hope for won't happen. The hope crashed, sacrifices led to nowhere, happy feeling replaced by doubt and the positive vibe turned into loneliness.

We then start to question ourselves why we let this all happen. Investing into something that we aren't certain of, diving with eyes closed. Nothing but hope as our battle gear.

But sometimes, fighting for something that isn't yours is like burying yourself 6 feet under. Especially when it's only you standing in the battlefield...

Acceptance is difficult because apart of us want to cling on to that thin thread of hope that maybe, just maybe, things will turn around, go back to how it was and then become right.

They say people come into our lives for a reason. We may not realize it why while they are in our lives, but one day, we will realize that Whether they are meant to stay or leave, there's a lesson to learn from it... Somewhere.

RIP JMR!

I just came back from a long weekend at home.  Nothing could be more peaceful than spending quality time with loved ones.  Though this weekend for me meant coming home to my family, my heart grieves as one father never reached home.

I was devastated receiving a text message that the airplane of Sec. Jesse Robredo crashed.  I received that message in the middle of the Eucharistic celebration.  I couldn't fathom the butterflies in my stomach and the burden I was feeling, if I would just keep that news to myself.  I had to share it with my dad so we could pray for a positive development.  In between our family time, we always found time to be updated with the result of the search.  As days passed, the glimmer of hope was slowly dying.  

Regrettably, I haven't met the man.  But I know of him because my uncle was once his chief of police in Naga a couple of years ago.  He spoke nothing but good things and kind words of him.  Apparently, he has high respect for the man. 

Many testified that he was a great public servant with unquestionable integrity and humility... A role model for anyone who wants to be a public servant and to the incumbents.  But of all the "testimonies" of his character, the one thing that made me admire him most is that he is a "present father".  Despite his busy schedule, he made it a point that he is with his family during meal time, attends PTA meetings and and is present in his children's activities.  At this point, it made me think of my own dad -- my parents.  

Below is something I scribbled for my parents' testimonial for their church organization.  This was never read during the dinner due to time constraints.  I'd like to share it now because it's timely and apt. 

"Not everyone is privilege to have a great family.  My sister and I are happily among the lucky ones. We grew up in an environment wherein family is always the priority.  Every PTA meeting, most of my games during intramurals, every honor's assembly, every graduation and during my oath-taking, I stand tall and proud beside the reasons why I am where I am now -- my parents.  They have always made themselves available for every activity, every milestone and every achievement we have.  Now that I am nearing my 30s, this fact still remains.  This has been my source of strength to keep on going, trying and believing that anything is possible because I am confident that when things get sour, I just have to look back and I will see you extending your arms eagerly waiting to comfort and reassure me.

More than the material support, I am forever grateful of the emotional and spiritual support.  You have taught us the importance of putting God at the center of our family, of us.  The good Lord is also kind enough to embrace us with His love and to keep us afloat in every situation.  Thank you for holding our hands enough to allow us to make our own decisions, face the consequences and learn from it.  

They say we are what we make of us.  But for me, I am who I am because of your guidance.  Like I always say, children are just trophies, the credit should go more to the parents! 

Cheers to fabulous years of walking with God. I love you both! mwah!"

I admire the strength and composure of Sec. Robredo's daughter.  She has great spirit in coping with the situation.  They have overflowing support and comfort from family and friends.  But when all these end, it will be the time that they will truly feel the emptiness and loneliness.  I just hope that when that time comes, they will remain as strong.

Rest in peace Sec. Robredo! May your good works be continued and that may your dedication and passion inspire a lot more people!

Refresh

I am not a ranter. But when I start to rant, it means I have had enough.

When I first embarked on this new journey, I had so much expectations.  This was because I was painted a really good picture of what to expect, that sometimes, I had to pinch myself if it was all true.  And most of the time, I find myself tapping my back for doing a good job for having been offered this once in a lifetime opportunity. But like gold, it lost its sparkle. Quite fast, mind you.


Big disappointment

I was lured to jump on this ship because I relied on a bountiful promise.  It couldn't happen more timely because where I was then, I needed some reassurance that I am destined for something greater.  So yes, vulnerable as I was at that time, I succumb to the offer.  I was feeling the adrenaline rush. The excitement of being able to do something beyond my imagination. With so much hope, I embarked on the journey.

As the days go by, I find myself not wanting to be in this journey anymore.  A portion of me wanted the past.  But I gave it a chance.  I tried to brush the sad feeling and convinced myself this is too soon for me to be thinking/feeling this way.  However, as I get to know what this journey is all about, I cringed and couldn't believe what I got myself into.  What I thought was better, turned out to be worse.

The ranting just never stops.  To a certain extent it felt all too familiar, only worse.  And I was ranting myself too with what I was seeing and hearing.  And there's so much punchlines to throw out because of the situation.  Good thing is, we are still able to find humor in it.  BUT this can only last for awhile.  I just hope I won't be able to reach the saturation point soon.

Just this week, I had a sad realization. I was able to say out loud that "I was more happy where I was before than where I am now".  Taking into consideration the entirety of this journey.  Needless to say, what seemed to be promising turned out to be a big disappointment.

Resurrection

What timing could be more apt than today to "resurrect" my blog. Today is Easter Sunday, the resurrection of Jesus.

I have been in hiatus for a little over a year. When I look back and analyze why I haven't checked in, I realized that I wasn't that busy that I didn't have the time. Maybe writing crossed my mind for a few times, but there wasn't really any compelling reason for me to scribble on something. Or maybe just have the energy to think of something to write about. So you are probably wondering what could be my compelling reason today to finally deciding to write a new post here. Quite honestly? Boredom! hahaha

As I ran through my rants, I am enlightened by a very timely and nice insight. As I have mentioned before, today is the resurrection of Jesus and I am "resurrecting" my blog as well. But the more significant point to this coincidence is its meaning. In my quick check to an online dictionary says resurrection is Jesus Christ's rising from the dead. Right. I have mentioned this already. Going back, its [resurrection's] implication is far greater than any lay person can connote it to. For me, I'd like to attribute it to another beginning and clean slate.  

Another Beginning

They say that life is like a book. When you open it, you will find different chapters. So I say resurrection is another beginning of a new chapter. As I am about to begin a new chapter of my life, I humbly thank the Lord for always filling my chapters with great stories of opportunities and taking chances.

The only thing that I planned in my life is to become a lawyer. After I got that, I surrendered my future to God's will. Maybe that's why I felt like cruising through this journey. I don't get stuck in a mud pit nor was I blown away by a tornado. I have been taking a stroll in the park, so to speak. It felt like everything is laid down for me and all I have to do is to follow.

Of course, it wasn't that easy. I have a few times resisted on "what's supposed to be" because I was afraid to jump off a cliff. But God has been patient with me. He allowed me to think things over and to conquer my fears.

Just like this new chapter I'm about to write in. It took me over a year to finally heed His call. Lucky me, He didn't get tired of hovering the opportunity over me. Instead He prepared me to be ready for His next challenge. And when I finally succumb to it, it felt right and I am at peace.  

Clean Slate

The resurrection of Jesus is the greatest symbol of starting life in a clean slate. When He rose from the dead, He gave us hope that we can start over anytime. When things aren't in God's way anymore, we can always take a pause and hit the refresh button and start clean again.

Weekend

My weekend starts a day ahead of everyone else. I only work four (4) days a week, but on a ten (10)-hour workday. It's fine. I prefer it actually. I get off from work when everybody else is probably at their homes already, watching the evening news. It's good news for me because it means, the rush hour is over. And most importantly, I have a three (3)-day weekend. The best!

Having too much days on my weekend stirs up curiosity from people I know. Well, this is how my weekends are usually spent:

If I'm not spending the weekend at my home in Bacolod or at some other city, Friday I'm having lunch at some resto I probably haven't dined in yet. Or maybe at one of my comfort restos. And at some occasion, we would catch a movie, rummage thru sale events or just plain chit-chat. Come home at around 5P.M. Sometimes, later that Friday night, I'm going out again with some other friends, this time for dinner at some other new resto and all-night chit-chat. Saturday is my day with my girlfriends. It means movie marathon, anticipated mass, good food and of course chismis! Sunday, I prefer to stay home. This is the time I don't take a bath til it's sundown. hahaha I just have to insert that in. =)

I just realized now, I have no right to complain why I have gained so much weight ever since I moved back here. I spend my weekend treating myself with good food. Maybe it's one of the signs of old age, eh? I don't crave for nightlife anymore.. Not as often, at least. Side note: I have been wanting for some nightlife action recently. I have no idea why. Ha! But yeah, I'm satisfied with weekends spent lounging around, not having to think about work, and relaxed dressing up. Simple things but they are enough to get me psyched up for the week to come.

Reform?

25 February 2011. Today is the 25th anniversary of the EDSA People Power. It's been a week long commemoration of the 'momentous' event.

Let me start off by saying that I am a cynic and a skeptic. I didn't know what happened during the Marcos regime because apparently, I wasn't born yet. And I don't recall any horrific stories about that time told to me that I distinctly remember. Maybe because we were living in the province. Far from the direct effect of the regime that everyone so despise. I don't know...

Just basing on my limited knowledge of the past, the EDSA People Power would have been a great opportunity for our country to effect reforms. We have 'struggled' for twenty (20) years or so under a dictator. A man who was so intelligent and has brought such prestige and class to the Philippines but at an expensive cost, was finally toppled down his post. They all clamoured for reform, change, and a new beginning. But what was done instead? Swore in a president that has no background whatsoever to run the country! (No disrespect meant to the late President Cory Aquino.) Apparently, it was a decision done in haste and of convenience. She had the sympathy of the public because of the assassination of late husband a few years back. In fairness to Ninoy Aquino, I think he would have been a great president. He would have effected the reforms the country needed at that time. Side note: I watched a television program that featured his life sometime last year. And I have to say, the man gained my respect. He was eloquent and is so full of conviction.

Fast forward to roughly fourteen (14) years, there was another People power. Opposite of what happened before. Just two (2) years into the presidency, people wanted former President Erap Estrada out of Malacanang. They said they've had enough and that it's time to move on to a better leader for a better Philippines. They swore in another lady to replace him -- Former President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo in 2001. But this time she had so much experience in politics. Once again, the country was hopeful. She was intelligent and has an impressive CV. But maybe the power swallowed her that she wasn't ready to step down. She allegedly used her influence and power to make sure she won the 2004 presidency. Lucky for her, she survived all attempts of bringing her down.

After nine (9) years or so under GMA's leadership, the public once again clamoured for reform, change and new beginning. They all were saying 'at last'. They just couldn't wait til GMA steps down. 2010 elections happened. President Nonynoy Aquino won and was sworn into office. Another president of convenience. He has the sympathy of the public because his mom died a few months before he announced he was running for presidency (which caused Mar Roxas to slide down to vice president). And not to mention the very popular sister of his. But barely a year into the presidency, there has been murmurs of his incompetence.

This has really saddened me. We have had several opportunities for reforms but we have failed to utilize it. Our scream for reforms is just that. A scream. We haven't thought farther than wanting for it. No concrete plans. We allowed ourselves to settle for what's there and what's convenient. And that's what we are now getting exactly. =(

Makes me wonder, what do we really mean if we speak of reform?

The Trade Off

A week ago, my officemate posted this on her status at Facebook:

eating alone is kinda sad... watching tv alone is kinda lonely, and a lot weird too especially if you're watching tv/movies crying and laughing alone... living alone is a feat... but oh well, the price of independence is really expensive, but definitely ALL worth everything... good night y'all!

I have to say, I totally agree. I feel this (sad and lonely) most coming home to an empty house after a long day. Bottles of beer and deep conversation would be perfect to cap off the day. If only you have someone to do it with. Like most of us who live alone, at the end of the day, all we have are either the phone, internet/computer, or the remote control! Maybe all of the above, used at the same time! Pathetic but that's our sad reality.

But I absolutely agree too with her second statement. The price of independence is expensive but all worth it. Yes. There's no feeling in the world (so far in my shallow life) better than having control with your time. Seems petty but to me it's everything. Having to lounge all day not doing anything productive. Literally. Not taking a bath til sundown. Watch TV all day, without anyone disturbing you. Come and go as you please without having someone to worry where you've gone to.

My love for time has caused a little bump on the first months or maybe years between my mom and I. I didn't think I needed to do anymore what I was used to doing when I was still living in my parents' house. I recall my mom, sounding so frustrated, trying to contact me at wee hours in the night. Because I am not attached too with my cellphone, so I rarely check on it when I'm out and about. When I finally remember to check on it, I would have several missed calls and text messages which read " Where are you?". I am a kid like that. It still happens once in awhile til now. But they're more tolerant, understanding even.

Independence is indeed a feat. I'm just lucky tho that I didn't have to start from scratch. My parents provided me with all the comfort I'm used to. Then I took off from there. I'm having a great time. But as much as I enjoy this freedom, I find myself flying home every month! Irony. My attachment with my family is just strong. That's something I will never trade off with anything.